The safety of being hurt - is this strange idea why we fight?


Isolating in our mental cocoon after we fight can feel familiar and safe.  Ever since we first experienced the false safety of isolation, either by going there on our own volition or by the condemnation of an authority figure, we have learned of this strange place in our mind.  Unfortunately, isolating can become a prevailing mindset or a “false” identity we too easily buy into or seek to promote leading us to feel poor, lonely, and less than others.

Just when everything seems to be working in our relationship the shadow of this crazy mindset can reappear in our lives masquerading as a need.   No lover, partner or spouse can hold us as tightly and safely as we felt in that hurt space of our isolation.  We look to find our way back by unconsciously getting into fights and arguments with our partner.  Of course no sane person does this, but then again, in the shadow of this mindset we become temporarily insane.


It might begin with a small irritation, an old grudge, or an insensitivity.  Whatever it is, we nurture this “victim” thought in the isolation of our mental cocoon.  What keeps us in the safety of this hurt eventually grows and seeps out as a small spat or a full-blown argument. Of course, there is no real cause to our fight.   If there was one, we would have disclosed and perhaps resolved it before it festered.  


Luckily there is another way.  True “safety” lies in disclosure and exposure.  Becoming aware of the “false safety” in our isolation is 99% of the solution, and the remaining 1% is our faith in love that then can safely deliver us to sanity.   Love is the basis of every healthy relationship, but openness and honesty is the critical structure that supports it.  Practicing the courage to be honest and open provides the necessary room for our relationship to develop.  This vulnerable openness promotes fulfilling and joyful relationships without senseless fighting .  True safety lies in an unburdened mind.  And only a vulnerable heart can feel love because it holds no secrets or grudges while recognizing the false safety of isolation.   Nothing can grow in the darkness of a closed heart, but in the openness of our vulnerability exists a safe haven where all relationships can grow and flourish. 



Tony BernardiComment